Trying to Process

Never Again is the response echoed throughout my life.

The Rebbe, childless, clasped into his bosom a broken generation, holding them tight with a healing vision.

Moshiach Now.

The message I heard, growing up,  was that Never Again was not enough.

It was not even guaranteed.

A vision of Moshiach, on the other hand, is anticipatory and prognostic.

Moshiach also means Never Again--- war, hunger, pain, and struggle.

It is the realization of Hashem's purpose in creation--- a world that is healed enough to capture Godliness. A world wholesome enough to experience Hashem's light without the shattering.

The Rebbe did not invent the ideal of Moshiach, but perhaps he is the Jewish leader that modernized this ancient concept.

A concept that is utterly misunderstood, likely because other religions have co-opted it, so much so that, quite frankly, it is cringy to even speak of anything Messianic.

A week later and I am have not stopped thinking about Meron.

I am sure you are the same, still processing the unfathomable tragedy.

I have to admit that I was so stuck in my process that I am not entirely in the space of grieving for the family members who lost their loved ones yet.

It is true that I have complete faith that Hashem is good, that what He does is good.

As a finite being, I cannot wrap my brain around a finite God.

I understand all of that. I am not stuck there.

I am stuck at the optics.

I am stuck at the fact that, once again, God has allowed his most 'visibly' fervent souls to be scapegoats.

I am stuck because once again, the world can point at the (frum) Jew and say, "Doesn't seem like their God loves them."

"I mean, Covid, why were they gathering anyway?" ---Sanctimonious sentiments.

I am stuck thinking about my ancestors being kicked and mocked, adding insult to injury, for their beards and Yarmulkas.

"Why do you have to look so Jewish?" ---Sanctimonious sentiments.

Righteousness is no guarantee. In fact, it's a liability.

Part of my process has been not to get caught up in this liability.

I will try to explain:

The Rebbe cried about Moshiach. He said that it makes no sense that Moshiach has not arrived. If suffering is cleansing, Jews have suffered enough. We sparkle clean.

My thoughts are that if God is waiting for every Jew to 'return' or to keep ‘just one Shabbos’, as it were.

It ain't happening.

Not in any way that you or I understand, at least.

If God is waiting for one more mitzvah--- well, I am not sure why 3,333 years worth has not been the magic number and what the one mitzvah is going to be.

If God loves our struggle so much that he is unwilling to let go of this pleasure, well--- that's His process.

After a week of listening, asking, searching, conversing*, this is where I am at:

I am finite and cannot fathom an infinite God, but--- I have a piece of the infinite within me. In this way, God and I are in a deep and meaningful relationship.

The infinite piece of me recognizes that there is something else going on.

Moshiach is an era of Never Again--- no war, no hunger, no pain, no struggles.

I cannot change the world.

Moshiach is also a personal place of healing, joy, and self-awareness.

I can make my world more Moshiach-like.

The infinite part of my soul can create a boundary around this suffering and seemingly pointless tragedy and hand it back to God. I am here for You, Hashem, but this is Your process. I don't claim to know it or to own it. I don’t want to be fearful of it.

Like in any healthy relationship, I can only participate in what is shown to me; but the subconscious and the unknown are up to you to work out for yourself.

This is not anymore about promising to be better, or doing more, or accepting the status quo.

It is about handing back the power to the One responsible for it and saying, I trust You.

This is Your process. I am here when You are ready to bring me into Your inner world.

In the meantime, I am tending to Your loved ones, I am grieving with them. Giving charity, praying, and hoping for a better tomorrow. You know where to find me.

*Thanks Danit, Alisa and Rabbi YYJ and Dinie from class.

Image by Bellefotos, Atlanta GA