All It Takes is LOVE
Sitting on the porch swing, Eliyahu and I were spending time alone with Henia. Although planning to spend time with each child is highly rated, it wasn’t a planned thing. Alas, I am not a great planner. It started with just the two of us beneath the crisp blue sky with clouds spread above us like a rumpled cotton flat sheet. The birds and bats chirped as they crossed paths in the dusky light of the sun. Somehow Henia, the youngest, joined us and kept our full attention. We were acting silly, then joking around with her about her stress over anything beyond one-step directions. In a moment of self-awareness, she admitted that it was hard to follow so many rules and that keeping her room clean and doing her chores around the house (which is mostly just keeping her stuff together) was overwhelming for her. Especially, here is the self-awareness part--- when all she wants to do is read and play. I get you.
It was getting late, and I blurted out,
OK, that is all, go upstairs, brush your teeth, it's almost time for bed!
So many steps to follow, Eliyahu joked.
Yeah, mommy, keep it to one step!
Alrighty, I played along,
go brush your teeth!
We laughed about how she understood that implicit in brushing your teeth was the go upstairs instruction.
See! you can follow multi-direction steps; you’ve got this!
“Love your fellow, as you love yourself”-- is a two-step instruction, implicit in the love for another, is the love for yourself.
In this week's double portions, Parshat Achrei Mot and Kedoshim, we learn how to be ‘Uniquely’ Jewish, laws that make us ‘Kodesh’(holy) for Hashem. Many of these laws are universal today, but since Judaism introduced these ideas into the world, anyone who keeps these laws per the Torah’s commandment to be Kodesh achieves that status.
Human relationships are an essential part of our holiness; the Torah lists many negative commandments related to human interactions. Thou Shall Not over and over. Of the few positive mitzvot regarding relationships, there is honor your elders, respect your parents, and the preeminent “Love your fellow as you love yourself,” which Rabbi Akiva famously stated as the basis of the Torah. And it is the verse from which Hillel formed the Golden Rule--- treat others as you would like to be treated.
Growing up, ‘Love your fellow as you love yourself’ was huge. We sang it in song, and our elders implored us to practice being kind to others, almost at the expense of anything else.
Share your toys. Give away your treat. Ignore the insult. Go out of your way. Do without. Suck it up.
In reality, the whole concept was condensed into one step---Ahavas Yisroel.
It is a mistake to forget that this is a two-step process because there is no love at all without self-love.
Now, I get that you might see self-love as a new-age, privileged, psychobabblicious excuse for more naval-gazing and selfishness in this i-Pod, i-Phone, and Wii generation. Yet it is a commandment, right there in verse, Love your neighbor as yourself.
It is true that if self-love and a sense of self is your endgame for the i-matter, self-care, self-worth, self-esteem world we live in---then yes, it is cringe-worthy. Who wants to be so self-absorbed? Not I.
What the Torah is teaching us is that we need to get our stuff together to love another.
Our whole world is a mirror; everything we see, say, or do is reflected in us in real-time. Our relationships are not different. The quality of our interactions and connection to other humans directly correlates to how we feel about ourselves.
Why is true self-love, the self-love that instructs love for another, so difficult?
Either we mistakenly believe that it is an unnecessary step. Or, more tragically, we cannot face ourselves. It is easier to be busy ‘loving’ others to distract ourselves from the self-loathing we feel inside. Check-in with yourself. Do you have a hard time with self-love? If you do, you owe it to yourself and the people who miss out on your love to get help.
Back to my rumpled clouds, my porch swing, my glass of wine and serenity--- all in service of my loving husband and loveable daughter. All it takes is love.