It Is What It Is

I took a poll, and "Delete 2020" received almost 95% of the votes.

I am kidding. I don't have time for polls.

But it sure does seem to be the spirit going into the new year--- " all hail 2021!" "2020, don't let the door hit you on the way out!"

As though what we originally and hope-filled called '2020, the year with a vision', has been a complete failure.

It sure does feel that way.

As we set our intentions for 2021, many are wishing away being emotionally overwhelmed; the anxiousness, the hollow feeling of being lost, the fatigue of decision making, loneliness, hopelessness, and grief.

The grief in 2020 is profound.

Yet somehow, I am also experiencing discomfort in all of the hating on 2020, as though a year is a cohesive entity of days, weeks, and months that colluded, in making us all feel its spiteful revenge.

We speak of 2020 as though there is no purpose. As though this block of time wormed its way into our consciousness and ruined our lives.

Is there another way to process it?

Recently, a friend said that I could benefit from a book, "Dena, read it."

I did. And I did.

The title of the book? Getting Real (10 truth skills you need to live an authentic life)

My initial reaction was, "Me? Really? Objectively and subjectively, I am (was) sure people would describe "being real" as one of my top ten qualities," being recommended a book with the title of Getting Real was jarring for me.

I ordered it. I read it. I learned a lot. I have a lot more to process.

I am gonna be real and tell you this---I have a lot of work to do in the area of authenticity.

Something that reading the book clarified for me is this:

We all have our ideas of what 2020 should have been.

What 2020 should not have been.

What 2021 better be.

What 2021 better not be.

Guess what? Living in the space of SHOULD takes us away from WHAT IS, and most of us would rather live in the land of SHOULD because it is easier than living in the land of WHAT IS.

Here is an example:

My kid "should" be getting better grades. Therefore---

I am furious at her teacher/the school/her/the advent of technology, and her addiction to her electronic device.

VS My kid is getting weak grades. This is what is happening. It is what IS. Ooph. This online school thing is not working for her. Gee. This is our reality for now. This hurts. It is painful to think about how a pandemic has hijacked a year of her life.

I wonder what else is going on for my daughter beside her abysmal grades?

Do you hear the difference between "should" and being with "what is"?

In the land of what is, you must feel your feelings instead of trying to control the situation. That is not easy, especially if you are like me and have perfectionist tendencies.

I considered this idea further when I read this weeks Torah portion:

In the land of SHOULDS: Josephs's brothers should not have thrown him into a pit; they should not have sold him into slavery. Joseph should not have been able to withstand Mrs. Potifar's seductions. Joseph should not have been cheerily living in a pre-medieval dungeon. Joseph should not have been raised to the second-highest to the Pharaoh in Egypt.

And here is the clincher--- Joseph should not have been able to or done as he did--- forgive his jealous siblings.

In the land of SHOULDS: Joseph is bitter and angry, and when he finally meets his brothers, he has a chance to express his revenge; it goes like this---

NOW YOU ALL GET TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE ROTTING IN THE HELL THAT IS PHARAOH'S JAIL. DON’T LET THE JAIL BARS HIT YOU ON THE WAY IN. The end.

In the land of WHAT IS where Joseph heroically lived: We are privy to the most emotionally raw meeting between brothers. Where Joseph tells them, you did not SELL me; God SENT me for a mission.

Guys, it is ok, don't feel guilty. It is what it is, I was needed here in Egypt, and this was God's plan all along.

Joseph does not see himself as a seed buried to rot; he sees himself as a seed planted to blossom.

An entirely different narrative, would you agree?

This is the difference between "shoulding" and just "being."

When I "should" all over the place, Oxymoronically, I think I am in control, and ultimately I am a stuck human.

Yet, when I notice what IS, I am free to grow and flourish.

According to the Torah’s wisdom, the most vital place for you to be is where you are. To notice WHAT IS. Not to wish for yesterday or try to control the tomorrow.

Here is my new woke version of events:

2020 was a difficult year. I don't know what the long-term effects of a pandemic will be on my family, on my community, on society, on the world at large. I feel scared at times. I feel grateful that I am, by and large, enjoying the silver linings of the circumstances. I feel guilty for appreciating the world in pandemic mode. I am worried about the people that are not doing well. I feel at a loss for how to fix the world.

I can do my part. I have a mission; I can work on fine-tuning it.

God is running the show, He has a plan for me and for humanity.

None of this is comfortable; all of it is the truth of my life, of life.

Sitting with WHAT IS instead of what should be, is difficult and it is productive because it helps me connect rather than control.

We cannot all be a Joseph, the Torah calls him a Tzadik-- I am not that.

What I can do is work toward the attitude that whatever 2021 has in store, I will take it one day at a time and pray to God for the strength and wherewithal to be in the moment and navigate WHAT IS.

Inspiration: Rabbi YYJ and the Rebbe and Getting Real

Photo: By BellePhotos